The beginning. Again.

"It has to be perfect from the beginning" fear whispers to me. In my head, I shout back that I don't believe in that, but in reality my voice is hoarse as it scratches it's way to the surface. Fear of a perfect beginning is what holds me hostage.

"Where do I start?" "How do I begin?"

So, here I sit.

My fingers hovering over a keyboard, mind racing with a trillion ideas of things I feel the need to say to the world and nothing actually comes out. The struggle is so very real.

See, my heart has all of these passions and life lessons and challenges that I feel led to share or work through with words, but my brain has this need to have it all figured out from the beginning so it start perfectly. Before the pen hits the paper, I THINK that I need to have the perfect END mapped out and planned in order for it all to mean something. Backwards planning doesn't work when there isn't an actual end.

That pressure and anxiety lets fear swoop in and take my plans. (Hence, why I am Re-starting this journey).

Before I know it I am stuck in this hurricane of "where" and "how" to begin, with emotional frustration of how I could let this mindset deter me, yet, again. This ever present fear of so many things - beginning, judgement, perfection - it inevitably delays the journey.

Reminder :: the journey itself is the where the beauty is. Where the moments of learning are born. If pressure can create something as beautiful as diamonds in nature, struggle can create something just as brilliant in me, in this life I live. The struggle guides me into these moments where I begin to comprehend just how important the journey is, and how the end is merely just a pausing point in life, because, after all, is it really an end? Or is it a point of reassessment to determine what amazingly brilliant things we will strive for next?

I need to write this on a Post-It and hang it on my mirror to read each morning.

I have wanted to start a blog for the last 12ish years and started this exact post 27 times since March. Deleting and re-writing. Deleting and re-writing.And the only thing keeping me from this dream is myself. My fear of not beginning the right way, or the perfect way, or in an impactful way.

I have written and been published as a guest blogger a few times before and have had my fair share of moments where my writing is appreciated, but never, have I ever, published for myself - my own blog. I write daily with my students in my English classes. I write for my sweet little boys and they write with me. I write for myself & God in my prayer journal. I even write blog posts - ready to publish. But fear holds me, suspended over the "publish" button, unable to loosen the grip to wiggle free and press it.

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Recently I realized that fear is going to be present in anything that I do when it comes to something new, this is just a part of who I am, a part of being human, I think. So, I have to acknowledge it and move forward. Acknowledging that fear is a natural part of who I am has allowed me to name it and confront it directly. Deciding that I can call out fear and use fear in a positive way has been life altering for me.

It is one of those moments where I have the thought, "This seems like such common sense, why have I not just gotten over my fear?!?" Because, sometimes, life is H A R D and more complicated than we give it credit for. I haven't necessarily found a "cure" or "answer" to combating fear, but I am willing to go into the trenches and figure out how to use it, so it won't take advantage of me any longer. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it. Naming fear is a start, a beginning, if you will.

If I can be consistent and intentional in this relationship with fear, I think I will learn more about bravery and how little fear can control me once the bravery shines through. It will most definitely be hard, but I can do hard things.

After all, the hardest parts of our journey are the most fruitful and impactful. The moments that we cry and hurt through are the ones that, when we reflect and finally understand them, take our breath away and give us a message to send to the world, to others.

So, here I sit.

Beginning today, with fear & anxiety & anticipation to see this journey unfold and the beautiful things I learn about myself and this life along the way.