Being strong doesn't always mean no crying. In fact, I think the tears show just how strong I actually am.
Three pairs of sweet, innocent eyes, stare up at me asking "Is Daddy going to be okay?"
My husband has always had a job that is rather dangerous; a Marine, Security Contractor for the government, State Trooper. It seems inevitable at times that he will get hurt or the worst could happen. The odds are higher than any desk job he could take. But that is who he is, who God created him to be. He is good at what he does - one of the best, in fact. He is my hero and one of the greatest men I know and love. Over the years God has brought me to a place of peace about my husband's calling and path, and I am so thankful for that peace.
With that peace comes knowledge though. That knowledge is that I need to be prepared at any moment to deal with the unimaginable. The devastatingly hard task of possibly doing life without him. Maybe this is just a military/contractor/LEO wife thing, but I have walked through scenarios in my head to prepare myself for a phone call or someone in uniform knocking on my door. What I would tell the boys, still so young and innocent. Who I would call first to notify and to come get the boys away from the line of fire until I can calmly tell them more. Where I would ask the uniforms to come inside and sit. How I should compose myself. How I should fight all instinct to panic and scream and hurl things across the room and fall to my knees praying for God to return him to me.
Morbid, to some, I know. But sometimes this is what we have to do when our husbands calling is what it is. But what I haven't prepared for was a virus. Not COVID, so please don't jump on that train. It's left the station and I hope it doesn't return - Just because COVID is around, doesn't mean other things disappear. Like cancer, the flu, diabetes, a heart condition, Crohns, or Viral Meningitis.
When my husband is safely home from the hospital where he still sits alone, I will write about what happened. From beginning to, hopefully, the end of this experience.
But I don't have that "ending" yet. We are still very much in the midst of surviving day to day. So when those three pairs of sweet eyes look up at me asking if Daddy will be okay. I take a breath, let a tear slowly slide down my cheek, but still reassuringly smile and tell them...
"Yes, Daddy will be okay. No matter what happens, God is with him when we can't be and God is better for Daddy than anything we can give him right now. God has doctors there working all day and all night to make sure Daddy has the medicine he needs to come home to us! God has nurses, like Aunt "B" who are heroes, too, that give him everything he needs and take care of him. They even help him to get up and go potty!" Because any boy mom knows... potty humor is SURE to get a giggle or two or three.
I tell them that Daddy is strong, and brave, and courageous, and a fighter, and a hero. And God takes care of the men and women He creates to be heroes. God takes care of His children at all times, but most when they are hurting - He never lets them sit alone.
I tell them that Mommy is here at home to take care of them and even if I cry, I still know that God is GREATER than viral meningitis. That God is GREATER than fear. That God is greater than our anxiety and pain and will see us through to the other side of it all.
I tell them that tears just mean I am letting the emotions out and it helps me be stronger. Because a tear? It takes a little bit of pain with it when it leaves. It rolls the pain down the cheek until we wipe it away. A tear helps wash it away, not forever but for enough time to take a breath, say a prayer and take the next step. Do the next right thing.
Strength can be so physical and muscles. But the real strength is the kind that it takes to let a tear fall, wipe it away and keep moving forward despite the fear and pain and anxiety, because you know God is waiting at the next step to hold your hand and make sure you don't fall.